A life lived out of the box

Oh, mania. i hate that i love you so much, but i do, i do, i do.

2011-12-16T06:04:22Z

It feels like this is my last hurrah. Today was my third day on lithium, and once it is up to therapeutic level, i probably won't experience this again. Three days ago i felt like i was at baseline (although other folks saw it coming on then). i'm pretty sure the term "meteoric rise" was coined to describe the last three days of my life. It's incredibly intense, and i'm glad it's coming right now because there's all of this stuff i want to accomplish and all of these routines i want to establish before next semester starts in a month.

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Is there no "Save Draft" feature on DW?

2011-11-21T03:05:36Z

Hey, folks who've been on Dreamwidth longer than i have...

i'm accustomed to LJ, which automatically saves drafts of posts. It never really occurred to me to check, but i was just in the middle of a pretty important and emotional entry when my browser crashed. LOST! :(

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earthquake!

2011-11-06T19:19:11Z

hrrrrmmmm. this was supposed to post last night. oops.

i just experienced the biggest earthquake i have ever felt. in fact, as the USGS just updated the magnitude from 5.2 to 5.6 it is the strongest earthquake ever recorded in oklahoma. previously, a 5.5 measured in el reno, oklahoma in 1952 was the biggest quake we'd felt. a 4.7 at 2:13 this morning was the second-strongest until tonight.

(i live on the dot that says "Norman.")

i do not like this. i know we live in the new madrid seismic area. i know we have 60ish quakes per year (although we've had 7 quakes today, so conceivably my perception that they're getting bigger and more frequent is correct!). but this is OKLAHOMA. in the middle of the damned country. give me a tornado ANY DAY over an earthquake. like my friend anna said on facebook tonight: "I can climb on higher ground for a flood and go in the earth to escape a tornado but if the ground falls out from under me...well I just can't deal with that..." i think that pretty much sums up the attitude of most okies.

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It was a lovely anniversary!

2011-11-03T12:13:52Z

Yesterday was our 3^rd wedding anniversary. It was pretty much like any other day in terms of what we did, actually... with a little more touching and kissing as we passed each other, a little more cuddling when we watched a movie with dinner, and a few more schmoopy text messages! LOL

The reason it was not much different (we did order pizza with our reward points and a super-cheap coupon - 2 large pizzas for $8! - so i didn't have to cook dinner) is because it was in the middle of the week, so no going out. Oh, and we are super-broke until Friday (payday!), so no going out. But as it turns out, that was a perfectly okay way to spend it. It might be boring or lame, but aside from the imposition of His work schedule, the routine we've settled into suits me fine, from sitting together talking and reading Pema together in the mornings to bringing Him a uniform from the closet and watching Him dress (i ♥ a working man, yummmmmmmmm); from kissing Him goodbye to greeting Him at the door when He comes home; from sitting and talking about our days to scrubbing the grit of a long day of cutting, welding, and grinding (He builds natural gas derricks) off Him; from cooking dinner to plating and serving His food; from eating together to washing our dishes; from cuddling up together after dinner to watch a movie or an episode of whatever TV series we're obsessed with on Netflix to cuddling up together all night in our bed. It's gotten cold and feels like real autumn outside, and our routine is cozy and comfy, and right now that suits my mood. There are times when each of us gets a little grumpy about it, and then we change it up a bit.

Three years, and i am more in love with Him than ever. We fit together so well... and the places where we differ cause us to have to wriggle around each other a bit to get comfortable, which makes us talk and debate and consider and negotiate and all sorts of other lovely brain-tickling things. There are definitely things we struggle with, but that's just it - sometimes we struggle with situations, ideas, opinions... but we don't struggle over them. We struggle together to work them out. Even when one of us does something that hurts the other, there is a sense of trying to work together to ensure that whatever happened doesn't happen again, if possible. There is so little fighting that sometimes the smallest tiff sends one or both of us into a tailspin of regret, disillusionment, hurt, sadness, etc. Then we right ourselves again and shake our heads a bit in wonder. We have faced a ton of adversity, separately and together; i will not say it has done no damage, because that would be a bullshit lie, but the cliché is true here: it has also made us stronger as individuals, and it has made our relationship stronger.

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i want more time!!!!

2011-10-31T18:40:32Z

i just got home from school and have been sitting at my computer for all of 15 minutes, looking at links people have sent me or posted on the groups i still admin on Facebook (for the most part i am not using Facebook, but those groups have become such active, important entities for the members that i can't really shut them down)...

... and i've found four topics i'd like to write about. But when??? i need to type up my history study guide, write a couple of papers, put away a ton of laundry, clean out the fridge, and write two letters to close-to-me folks whose relationships with me seem to need some clarification. i do those things better in writing.

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fuckityfuckfuckFUCK

2011-10-27T15:14:30Z

B and I had a huge fight in the car on the way to school, which resulted in her dropping me off at Denny's in south OKC. Veni is coming to pick me up. And I feel like I need to find another way to get to school by Monday. :-(

The gory details aren't that important and I'm trying to detach and stop obsessing over them in my head, so that's probably all I'll say about the fight itself except that I feel she was unfair and that she intentionally pushed buttons she never should have.

Sitting for an hour in Denny's alone when I can't pay for even coffee is very panic-inducing.

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sighs.

2011-10-26T04:55:43Z

sleep is elusive. i am exhausted.

oh, and my period is ten days late and showing no signs of arriving. WTF? i hate perimenopause.

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Once again...

2011-10-04T12:47:53Z

i'm not writing as often as i mean to! We've spent a few weeks with our schedule wonky, staying up too late, not getting enough sleep, trying to catch up during the day and throwing things out of whack even more. Plus working on bonding with the gliders, which has to be done after dark. All of this = school kicking my ass. i am not actually behind on anything yet. However, i have been putting assignments off until the day they're due (most are due at midnight). This is not acceptable to me! (i did get 100% on my history exam this weekend, which was nice. i studied a lot for that test, maybe that's why i feel like i'm about to fall behind in everything else.)

i've been enjoying putting special touches in V's lunches. A friend posted about her bento lunches, and it started me off on a whole day of looking at bento stuff on the web. V eats lunch in an oil & gas derrick manufacturing plant, and already worries about people reading Him as male. He doesn't need to open up a cutesy box with bunnies cut out of vegetables and kitty cats molded out of rice in front of a bunch of roughnecks! But He tells me all the guys are jealous that i make His lunch every day, so putting a little extra something nice in there (all He ever asks for are sandwiches and chips) is fun. So i've been making single servings of fresh foods to go in with the sandwiches (which are almost always whole wheat bread, a ton of mayo, tomato, red onion, and some amazingly delicious shaved smoked roast beef from a local organic ranch). Last week i did kiwi-banana fruit salad with honey-lime dressing; baby spinach with mushroom, red onion, tomato and a little container of homemade balsamic vinaigrette; carrot and celery sticks with ranch dressing (oh, yes, He's an Okie... He'll eat anything if you dip it in ranch). Yesterday i sent leftovers: a pulled pork sandwich and potato salad. Today i tossed together a cucumber-tomato salad (with red onion and a cider vinegar based dressing) for one. After He left for work today i made some tuna salad for my breakfast (yes, i know i'm weird) and boiled a couple of extra eggs while i was boiling one for my salad. i'll turn those two eggs into deviled eggs for His lunch tomorrow morning. :)

If you pack a lunch for yourself or someone else, what do you do that makes it a little special?

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Baaaaaaaby Sugar Gliders

2011-09-25T02:46:55Z

(and one photo of me)

me with K at the Voluptuously Vogue Fat-Positive art event

One of our four new sugar gliders - 2-weeks-OOP. This is the female joey, and she was crabbing away at me the whole time.

The male joey. This is a great shot of the patagium (the 'wings'). i love the way it looks when it's not stretched out.

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better

2011-09-23T23:50:36Z

Tough week, but i'm better than i was. Plus i actually made some real progress toward the major clean-out & clean-up effort hat needs to happen in my living room. Well, really, the entire house, but one step at a time.

In a few minutes, we are going to pick up the new sugar gliders. There will be photos as soon as i can get them posted. :)

V's off work tomorrow!! That is great news. His birthday party (a joint party with our friend D) is tomorrow night, and i need to make 4 dozen Cosmo jelly shots during the day.

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makalove @ 2011-09-19T20:43:00

2011-09-20T01:44:46Z

numb
overwhelmed
seriously sad
thinking of playing hooky tomorrow

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here goes nothin'...

2011-09-18T16:22:45Z

You might recall my post about Voluptuously Vogue, our fat-positive art event.

Well, it's today. And i'm currently the biggest i've ever been, even pregnant. Oh, yeah, and???? i'm due to start my period in a few days. All this adds up to me being terrified and feeling HUGE. :(

The newspaper article (cover picture + article on pages 6-7) didn't help much, either. Nor the fact that i've already agreed to sit nude.

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squeeee!!!

2011-09-12T11:11:03Z

Joeys are out of pouch and Amelia finally let Doppler get his hands on them - and he promptly handed them off to Dacia (their human til i take them next Friday) for a few measly head-scritches. ;)

Twins! A boy and a girl.

All right Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my close-up.

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Is this really such a radical concept?

2011-09-10T23:40:19Z

Misrepresentation, deceit, failure to be honest in any form in order to attract, lure, or seduce someone is a violation of consent and should be viewed as ABUSE.

This seems so obvious to me. Why is it not obvious to everyone? True consent cannot be obtained from another person if they have not been given all the pertinent information, or if they have been given false information. Violating someone's consent is abusive. But apparently, there are a lot of people who think that lying or misrepresenting themselves to a potential or current partner is perfectly okay. WTF, people?

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This is teh suck.

2011-09-10T11:51:07Z

i guess it's been going on all summer, but for a long time i didn't recognize the pattern. i'd wake up with a sore throat, treat it with my arsenal of natural remedies, and it would disappear within a day or two. Then it would happen again in a few weeks. This week, though, it hasn't improved and is much worse than it has been. On Thursday morning, i pulled out a light and looked at my throat in the mirror, and WOW.

my whole throat is red and swollen and angry-looking, and i have a large abscess on my right tonsil.

So i had B take me by the Wellness Clinic at COCMHC. They couldn't work me in - not that i'm surprised - but the receptionist told me that the doctor shouldn't have any problem prescribing me some antibiotics, and that they should be available on Friday. Except that it didn't happen that way. i called on Friday, once in the morning and once in the late afternoon, and the doctor hadn't done anything with it yet. It continued to get worse throughout the day yesterday, and by the end of the day (while we were on our biweekly (payday) Date Night) my entire throat felt raw, swollen, that pricking sort of feeling with the pain when i swallowed, both ears hurting (though the right one more), back of my neck and head aching, eyes burning, no energy, etc.

When we got home from dinner, Veni made me start taking some amoxicillin that He had left over. There's only two days' worth, but that will get me to Monday, and hopefully i'll get a prescription Monday. Also, if i'm not feeling significantly better by the time He gets home from work this afternoon (that will be after 3-4 doses of the amox), He's probably going to take me to the ER.

This is no fun. :(

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i'm going to be in the paper!

2011-09-10T01:29:04Z

a dear friend of mine who recently started a community group called "Fat-Positive Norman!" has planned this amazing event for next weekend called Voluptuously Vogue: "a body/fat positive gathering where we fat and lovely beings sit for portraits, i.e. subjects of painting, drawing, photography and in so doing, have a great time socially, enjoying the empowering experience both personally and on a community level, of being the subject of a piece of art." i will be one of the models, and i am so very excited! Nobody has ever asked me to sit for them before. On my body-hating days (hey, we all have them, don't we?) while working at the Happy Hippie Health Food Store™, i would watch the skinny ethereal hippie chicks i worked with get approached by artists all the time and feel jealous.

Today several of the models met at the local newspaper office for a photo shoot; one of the local reporters is a member of the Facebook group for Fat-Positive Norman! and saw the event posted. She pitched the story and it's going to be in the weekend entertainment tabloid that comes out in each Friday's paper. We'll have a group photo on the cover and then our individual photos will be cut into the article. i'm pretty excited about this, too. i'm doing my interview next Tuesday, and of course i'm super-nervous. LOL i don't know why. Interviews are something i've done tons of, from both sides of the pen.

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sad

2011-09-09T13:12:07Z

i think i'm on death watch with my last rattie. i decided when Bonnie, our hairless dumbo-eared rat who died earlier this summer, started getting tumors and acting unwell that i was not going to have rats as pets again. i get so very attached to them, and they have such short lives, and it breaks my heart every time one dies.

Now Ruby, who i bought as a companion for Bonnie when her brother died, is extremely unwell. She has always had mycoplasmosis. Almost all pet-store rats are infected with the bacteria Mycoplasma pulmonis, and while antibiotics can be used to treat M. pulmonis respiratory infections in rats, they do not eliminate the bacteria, which often results in chronic upper and/or lower respiratory infections. She almost certainly has pneumonia, a pretty bad case this time, but has also had a chronic case of wry neck for a few months, an with it some balance problems. (And for about two weeks she only walked in circles.) Wry neck can be caused by inner ear infection, but since it hasn't been responding to antibiotics it's probably being caused by a brain tumor. :( She's also had a couple of lumps show up in the last week which are probably more tumors. She's still eating a bit, taking yogurt drop treats from my fingers more gently than she ever has before (she's always been a grabber and occasionally accidentally nips fingers while grabbing for food) and eating the chunks of cooked sweet potato and organic beef livers that i've injected with her antibiotic doses.

Basically, it's her time. She's young - we bought her in January of 2010 and she was probably 4-6 months old when we bought her. We've had nine pet rats over the last 3-1/2 years (plus 13 babies that didn't survive beyond a few days - Bonnie & Clyde had pinkies when we rescued them and she was already pregnant again). It's enough. i can't do it anymore. They wriggle their cute little ears and noses into my heart and i am destroyed every time i lose another one.

Lucky 8-Ball

Sugar

Ratatouille

Bonnie

Clyde

Teensy

Ruby

Castor & Pollux

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i write letters

2011-09-08T12:58:13Z

Dear Dr. B,

I have a question I hope you'll be willing to answer. Why do you prefer to use the Respondus Lockdown Browser? I ask because it's an expensive piece of software that simply doesn't do what it purports to do. Yes, it turns your students' home computers into kiosks, providing an environment that presents a challenge to those who desire to cheat. Unfortunately, it is not a challenge that is difficult to overcome; those students who are determined to cheat or take the lazy way out will be capable of doing so even with this piece of software installed.

But Lockdown does more than that. It puts an unnecessary burden on those of us who are honest and uninterested in cheating. It is an unstable piece of what Microsoft and other corporations of its ilk call "Trusted Software." Those of us in the Open Source computing community call this "Treacherous Software" in the same manner that some would call ~~Bill Gates~~, I mean Andrew Carnegie <grins>, a Captain of Industry and others would call him a Robber Baron. Lockdown's instability puts honest students at risk of failing the exam and/or having to explain its malfunction to a professor who apparently already doesn't believe that academic integrity exists among students.

For an honest student like myself, the unnecessary burden is two-fold and specific: As a member of the Open Source community who has been dedicated to the principles of Open Source since nearly a decade before the term "Open Source" was coined in 1998, I am never, ever going to install Windows on any computer I own, for any reason. I compare doing so to willingly installing a virus on my machines, or willingly having sex without taking appropriate precautions with the knowledge that the other person is probably HIV-positive. Windows' security risks are astoundingly huge, and responsiveness of its programmers to consumer complaints are rarely responded to and if they get fixed it takes months to -years-. Open Source operating systems such a the many variants of Linux usually offer patches or upgrades within days to weeks when a problem is discovered. And Linux is, by design, more secure than Windows, which is intentionally left easy to break into. Of course, I'd imagine you're saying by now, I could just come and take the exam on campus. And I could, and probably will, since even the few Windows users with whom I'm friends here in Norman would likely do one Google search about Respondus and refuse to allow me to install it on their machines. However, since my husband is at work in OKC from 6am-5pm and we only have one car, it is difficult for me to be on campus at times other than my scheduled class times, because the friend I carpool with has classes at the same times. This means that it is very difficult for me to get to the computer lab to take a test between, say, yesterday afternoon when the test opened (which was after I left campus for the day) and Sunday night when the test closes.

I understand the need for schools to provide at least an appearance of fighting cheating, I do. I just think that someone whose intelligence and integrity I respect so much would be interested in hearing another point of view on this. Hopefully I'm correct.

Everybody loves Trouble... [he calls me "trouble" and "dangerous" all the time]
Maka [remainder of contact info redacted)

Aaaaaaand i get responses. Most of his reply is unimportant; i can easily sum it up: "I'm not a techie, so I asked the IT guy and he said it's more stable than you think and he almost never has tech support tickets about Lockdown." And then his reasoning for using the software, which is pretty much straight from the Respondus marketing department.

But the closing paragraph is worth reprinting.

And, Yes, I do indeed appreciate your point of view. And I know it has some merit. But overall, I opt to use Respondus for the reasons I have stated here. Thank you for your concern...and good luck on Exam #1. Of course, if you're as brilliant a student as I think you are, luck probably has nothing to do with it.

i really do like this prof. Also, my Interpersonal Communication prof is made of awesome.

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squeeee!!!

2011-09-07T09:22:10Z

i just heard from the girl whose breeding pair of sugar gliders we're rescuing. she got a quick glimpse of what appears to be twin joeys peeking out of the mama's pouch late last night. that means we'll probably get real photos of them in the next few days (once she lets the daddy get hold of them) and they should be coming to live with us within 1-2 weeks, depending on how relaxed or stressed amelia (that's the mama's name) is this time around. oh, oh, oh, i am so excited! baaaaaaaabies! plus adding more gliders = working toward a lovely little colony. :)

meanwhile...

ETA: Re-read this post and realized i'd gotten the names wrong on these two photos. Now that they've been living with us for a while, i recognize their faces, and i had them swapped.
~~Amelia (the mama)~~
This is Doppler.

~~Doppler (the daddy)~~
This is Amelia.

Amelia with a joey (not one of ours) half-in, half-out of pouch
(This is still, obviously i hope, Amelia.)

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could we get more queer?

2011-09-05T23:23:03Z

Here i am, an anarchist pansexual fat-positive genderqueer in a kinky, full-time power-exchange, same-sex non-monogamous marriage to a trans man in Okla-fuckin-homa(phobe). i have fewer straight friends (and by this i mean people i interact with regularly and consider close enough to call friends) than i can count on one hand. i am as out as a person can possibly be, and here in Okla-redneck-homa that is a terrifying fight every single day. i'm just saying, how much queerer could we get, you know?

And the reason i'm asking this question today is that my wonderful queerdo trannyfag Husband laughs at heterosexist comedy [sic] on TV. Stand-up comedy, which almost all has heterosexist content (although He loves queer and queer-positive comics, for sure). Adam Sandler/Rob Schneider movies - can you think of one that doesn't have heterosexist content? 'Cause i can't. And He laughs at the jokes like they aren't horrifyingly awful, that they aren't both a symptom and a cause of the heterosexism and cissexism He has been facing His whole life. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism; i don't know. But it really bugs me.

So we talk about it. But it doesn't really change.

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what a day.

2011-09-04T02:48:50Z

it has been a long and winding road today. good and bad together, i guess. going to bed, but thought i'd post this just for fun. bleached, re-dyed, and cut my hair today.

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Cast of Characters

2011-09-02T21:59:55Z

A - G's mother, V's ex-partner. We have a pretty good relationship with her.

B - my oldest friend - 17 years and counting. Mother, student, Witch, dreadhead, mamabear, with a serious green thumb. Finishes my sentences (and vice versa). Has supported me through the lowest points in my life and rejoiced with me through the highest. We're currently carpooling to school.

D+G - my biological children. 20 and 12 years old. i haven't seen them since August 2007, and have had only brief communications from them, which have been mostly of the "I hate you, you're no longer my mother, stay out of my life" variety. How we got from an incredibly strong and close family to where we are now is a long and painful story. i continue to hope that one day we'll see each other again and talk things out and rebuild a relationship.

E - my gay boyfriend. 27 years old, ridiculously intelligent, and returning to school to finish his degree after taking five years off. Baker, philosopher, polytheologian, Eagle Scout, anarchist, queerdo, oddball, geek, academic, astrologer, social critic, Witch.

F - my newest sweetie, an adorable trans man and dear friend.

G - Our 16-year-old stepson. Not actually related to either of us by blood, he was V's stepson in a previous relationship. His father got custody of him when he was 13 and within six months it was agreed by him and all of his parents that he would be happiest living with us. We have a great relationship with his mother and a somewhat tense relationship with his father and stepmother. He is an excellent student, studying engineering, and about to get his driver's license.

J - a/k/a Dish Bitch. :) A friend i met a couple of years ago who is now a metamour as well :) She and V have no formal relationship, but they are play partners and He does a lot of accountability support for her as well as giving some parenting help. She also currently comes in three times weekly to clean my kitchen, which is ridiculously helpful for me and gives her a bit of extra pocket money, as she's living on a very limited income.

K - G's girlfriend of nearly two years. Spends most of her off-work and out-of-school time at our house, going home at curfew... She's a member of the family. :)

KK - my good friend who is also a beautiful, voluptuously curvy, badass guitarist and singer for various projects here such as The Needles and John Wayne's Bitches.

V - my Husband, Sir, Daddy, Dominant, lover, partner, best friend. A 30-year-old transgender man who is transitioning careers from welding to emergency medical care. An Okie, raised redneck but willing to push the narrow boundaries with which His upbringing left Him, while staying proud of His country roots.

i'm sure i'll add others as they become relevant.

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Paralyzed

2011-09-02T01:45:25Z

Today ends my second week of classes
At the local branch of a state university
my ride will arrive in half an hour
And somehow by then i have to be
Awake and able
Awake i've been since three a.m.
But able is not something that feels
Within my reach
Today

Today the idea of opening my door
Walking out into the sunlight
Getting into a car
That smells so strongly of the
Pothead paranoid perfuming agents
That provide my friend a sense of protection
(From "the pigs")
But will give me a migraine
And won't fool the cops for a second
Riding passenger
White-knuckling the edges of my seat
Through an hour of freeway traffic
Getting out of the car and walking
Alone
Through this campus where everyone seems
A century younger than me
Sitting in a class where the professor
Treats college students like pre-teens
And seems to know less about her subject matter
Than we do
All of this is
Paralyzing

Today when i try to stand
Pick up my backpack
Sling it over my shoulder
Walk to the door
my legs won't move
my arms feel like stone arms
Carved by a sculptor whose
Subject was never meant to move
But to stay safely ensconced in a
Cathedral, museum, private collection
Coaxing them to life, i
Reach into my bag
Pop a pill
Wait
Tears rolling down my face
For it to stop the terror
Resolve the paralysis
For my ride to come
For my life to keep moving
With or without my cooperation

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so so so tired

2011-08-31T03:57:27Z

i am too tired to do more than write "thankfully i survived the day" :)

i just successfully uploaded the last assignment of the night, and i still have 4 hours to sleep. Off i go.

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Today...

2011-08-29T19:30:52Z

i got up on time!

i washed towels and our bed linens before school.

i was ready to leave for school early.

i was 2 minutes early to class, instead of 5 minutes late, even with ridiculous traffic on the highway.

B gave me a ton of spicy globe basil and some adorable baby yellow squash from her garden... i'll be making another batch of pesto this afternoon!

i arrived home to find K here, and we went to The Diner for lunch; on the way we met a friend and her toddler daughter, who joined us.

we went to the cafe where F is a barista and had coffee and conversation for a while.

i still have to go to the grocery store for a full-week of groceries, plus the fabric store for some fleece for a new sleeping pouch for the sugar glider and Petco for mealworms (also for the glider).

i hope to find time in there for a nap!

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